dont know what youve got til its gone

I dont understand why is she so up n down? maybe meds would b smart but how do i bring this up without a fight?!
i miss her..... i miss the woman that loves me for me, the woman i see the rest of my life with, the woman whom id give my life for...... where are you?
friday andre arrives and he asked how long we have been together? u wink @ me and say it will b 3 yrs in jan. saturday night we are eating and talking about going to toronto.... we can get married there you say oh yeah.... later that eve you tell me to meet u in the bedroom and then make out with me. sunday i got to work for an hour and u text me to ask how its going i said im on my way you say good cuz i was missing you, i get home we cuddle on the couch, lay in bed for a bit then andre is up so i get up and you go back to bed i go in a lil bit later to check on you and u say you were masterbating (well trying was the word) but u stopped cuz you had to sneeze, sunday night as we are sitting on the bed smoking i say something about joe wanting to get a piece and you say something like im sure hes not the only one and i said oh i dont even have high hopes anymore. then moments later you say well this may not b the best time but i have to tell you bc im honest with you..... i dont feel attracted to you anymore. i think youre beautiful and i love you but this is how i feel. im down and depressed about my fam and money and etc. i am still speechless......... why are u mind fucking me?! can u plz see my perspective?!
im gettin to fuckin old for this shit....
why are u so on and off?!
i cant do this..... it fucking hearts and its slowly killing me.
what if i go? what if u finally realize u fucked up? u lost the best thing that ever happend to you? you lost ur best friend, soulmate, partner? no matter how much you hurt me i never ever ever could treat you this way. to tell u one thing and do another. to love you for 5 minutes and then not wanna look at you. i am still always attracted to you, i still love you.... regardless. uncondtional love..... its all ive ever felt for you. but u keep changing your mind.
how can you love me, find me beautiful, wanna be with me but not find me attractive? too not wanna make love to me? and well i have a need that is not being met.... im not your partner to be your roomate im your partner bc i wanna be with you, i wanna have intimacy, sex, love, affection..... if you cant meet the sexual needs i have do i find someone who will?
no this is not about sex..... this is about u and my side of the story..... idk how to mask these thoughts.
i miss you and i want my woman back. my baby, my love. my heart. my life.
ive searched my whole life to find you and now youre not in it.....

i can do this

everyday its up and down.... it will be great a few days and then its like shes someone else....somewhere else.... now im gettin in the zone of shut down.... my wall keeps being built up. is this good is this bad? idk what to do anymore
i am thinking of getting the serenity prayer on my back, tattooed of course.
i repeat it everyday several times a day and im not religious at all

happy 4th

so here we are independence day 2011... it was a crazy busy wked and im BEAT! so im goin to bed early...
i have a busy week ahead as well.... worked 2day and 2mw and then my step dad anad peyton are pickin me up to bring me to sheldon and then wednesday we are going to omaha for peytons bday!!!! i cant frickin believe that he is 6 already! ahhhhh

pro and cons of cutting

so i used to b a cutter and i found myself tonite with a knife in my hand and now have 13 lil cuts on my thigh.... dont judge me! please.....
it makes something else sting other than my heart and well right now that is what i need!
i guess this really isnt pro and cons its just what it is!

What if

this is as good as it gets? im 30 yrs old.... i dont want to start over again!

how am i supposed to feel

shes no longer in love with me and wants no affection between us.... also wants separate checking accounts bc i try to control the money and be too much of a "mom" to her....
shes out on the couch and i guess im takin the bed tonight. i miss her sooo much i want my wife back.... what can i do?!
we got into a HUGE fight 2 days ago and i went home to see my family and now im back but didnt even get a hug from her but our dog was excited to see me! this hurts so much....
she says she is giving me the opportunity to leave so that she can be alone.... shes too carefree for herself and maybe one day it will catch up to her, but i dont wanna go. i wanna stay and i wanna love her like i used too and i want the same back.... but it doesnt seem that things will work out like that.
she thinks we cant be happy together anymore. i must find the strength i need to get thru this. where is it?!
i have found that i am in the a similar situation.... one of the people in a relationship loves the other one more.... this time i love her more.
so i have truly had my heart yanked out, trampled on and tossed away like a dirty condom.
i need a tattoo or a piercing... something else physically painful so that this doesnt hurt as bad.

oh the life of a wedding consultant

this is not meant to be rude or be hurtful its really to help ease the stress levels you are casuing yourself as a bride....

listen to the experts!!!! buy ur dress at least a year before for the "just in cases".... they speak the truth!!!
do not keep looking after u say you love a dress!!!!! 9 out of 10 times u end up with the one you said you love! so why waste your time and mine? and everyone of your entourage.
the more ppl you bring along the more opinions you have and that is not necessarily a good thing..... the more opinions the more confused you get and the more convincing it takes for you to love your dress.
when you think u r just lookin your dress will grab you and then what?! do u have the intention to purchase or you just playing? did you think about this before you decided to start looking?
if you feel you need your mom, sister, bestie, grandma then DO NOT shop without them even if you are just looking.....if your just looking then do not try on.
if you dont intend to purchase a gown for 6 months then do not look for 6 months.... styles change and chances of the same gown you loved then still being there when u go back 2 get it in 6months are slim.
that is true for anything.... when u find the perfect flower girl dress, napkin, candleabra....GET IT NOW so that you dont have the stress of trying to find something as good and there wont be as many tears shed either.

ive been a wedding consultant almost 4 years and i have learned alot of diff things i wish i had known when i planned my first wedding.... im trying to be helpful not hateful!

im not crazy.... ppl drive me this way

ok so we are on wked like 6 in a row of my wife goin out.....she admitted last wk that she has fucked up and spent too much so then tonight i pick her up from work and she says that her new work friend wants to meet up for a few drinks and well last night when we met with him she has already planned she is going out 2mrw night as well so i said ok so u goin out 2mw night too? she says well ummm i guess i dont have too and i said well we arent trying 2 spend so much money and she says ok so whats my wked budget i said 30 and it was silent so we get home and then she accidentally texts me and says "can u spot me a few my gf is pickin up on my spending habits..... first of all.....whoops! 2nd.....gf?????? i have a name and i met him so call me by name or say fiance?! 3RDLY.....really 30 isnt enuf? so then she asked if i had the cash or if she had to get it and i said i think i do and asked if that was not enuf.....she says its whatever its doesnt matter..... ???? then i had 40 cash and she says i will bring u back the change.....see ya later i said ok i love you and she mumbled i love u too i said whats wrong she says im like a mom sometimes..... im over it but u can clearly see on her face shes not over it. fuck!!!!!!!!!
idk what im supposed to do.... i know she will get a good check in a wk but i need some things and cant go get them, i also said well if u need more money then im def not goin out this wked and shes like at all?! i said nope.
why cant we spend a wked in?! and why does she need to spend so much nmoney going out? i dont fucking get it?! am i a controlling bitch? what am i doing wrong and what can i do right?! anyone......anyone???? i try to say the right things and i come off as a mom.
she has really fucked up the last few wks and im still teh one with the headache and the upset stomach, shes out with friends having fun not giving a shit. then i asked her if she was coming home, she rolled her eyes and said YEAH..... well last sat nite she didnt and wouldnt answer her phone so why is that such a bad question?
Lord, please tell me what to do...... help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sexual healing

i have dreams about sex and its goooooooood sex but its always when im not having it! why is this? then im more conscience that its not happening.
Sometimes shes flirty... grabbing my butt and giving me them eyes but then if i try to make a move, like giving her a good kiss or kissing her neck or something then im told to calm down.... ahhhh its so frustrating sometimes!
shes now on birth control cux her periods are awful and i think its messed up her sex drive and well im a woman in her (let me clear my throat) 30s and i enjoy sex.... everyday, all day, morning, noon, night, quickies....shit i dont care! this happened in my first marriage.... is it just the way life is?!
im glad she doesnt read my blog... or know that it exists... im sure id be opening all kinds of cans of worms!
on a more positive note....although we cant afford it im going to see my lil man tomorrow and im FREAKIN stoked!!!!!!!!!! yeah me

crackin eggs

sometimes i feel like im cracking under pressure and i wanna scream...
a stupid is as a stupid does....
the big decisions that she makes always end up kicking our ass at some point.... im not by any means saying that i dont make mistakes but effffffffff she met someone the other day that made her an offer she simply couldnt resist and it was supposed to bring more cash into the house and it completely went wrong.... shes been trying to get the last of our money back from him and he keeps making bullshit excuses. she gave him our last 85bucks then we went out that night and look @ us now....id like to go swimming but dont have a suit and cant go buy one! she asked what i was making for dinner and well we have frozen pizza or chicken patties.... but i cant even eat right now my head just spinnin.
a relationship is a lot of work...... theres up and downs, good, bad....etc.....
we arent even speaking like we normally do....she feels like im talkin stupid or acting dumb or being annoying and shes mega cranky..... sometimes i dont even speak and get my head bit off....i do it too sometimes, i know....like i said i am not the poster child for perfection. when can a girl get a break?
she told me yesterday that shes not feelin me..... so im givin her space, trying to stay out of her way and keep my distance so that she will realize all that i do for her maybe then shed appreciate things a bit more but instead its"geez do we have dinner around here anymore?" and then she realized i was laying down on the brink of nap and she comes in and says babe u wanna go get a swim suit isaid yeah but i cant....it costs about 30bucks and we dont have that.... and isaid as far as dinner goes idk.... she walked out the room and told me to sleep.... then she text me to ask when she should take the dog out i said he peed about 3 so she smoked a cig and then took the dog out....i text her and  said "im cracking....im tryn real hard to keep smilin buts rough right now"..........that was 45 minutes ago and i never got a response....she now left im assuming to see if she can track down the guy with our money.......
it feels so one sided sometimes....i wish there was a fly on the wall that could hear and see everything to give me some clarity..... to put things into perspective. i wish i could feel the love right now.
she is the one for me.....i truly believe that and it warms my heart but sometimes i feel taken foregranted.....
theres nothing like walkin on egg shells everyday of your life.....ive been down this road before..... :(  i keep the faith and move forward and focus on happy things.

golf shoes

have u ever felt like u were kicked in the face with golf shoes?
"i dont do many stupid things but when i do... they real stupid"...... idk what to even say to that!

my chest is cavin
my knees are shaken
my breath is taken
my heart is achin
i feel extremely mistaken
the words you keep sayin
my mind you keep playin
the thoughts we been prayin
our love its been weighin
the darkness is grayin
the life we been livin
its hard to keep givin
i feel like im fallin

the small stuff

so much happening lately my mind is a buzz..... first one of my dearest friends vanishes bc of a crime he committed and now hes a man on the run, im worried about him but his phone is off and he hasnt left any kind of trail, i cant even reach him by facebook, i just wanna know hes ok. damn him for running!!!! what the fuck is he thinking?!
now i have another good friend that has relapsed in his schizophrenia behaviors and hes talking real crazy.... his husband doesnt know that he is strong enough to deal with it, after all he just lost his mother and is having a really hard time dealing with it. now they are both jobless and neither of them is willing to get the help they need and they arent helping each other they are both crumbling.... one needs some wellbutrin or something and the other needs inpatient care for a while and some meds.
we got a dog last week and hes perfect for us, hes calm and very grown up.... hes 3 so he doesnt have any puppy left in him, but then yesterday happend..... my wife took him to a friends to play with their 9month old pit/lab, they played last wk and were great with each other and yesterday they fought over a piece of rawhide and my poor jake got his ass kicked.... had to have stitches and everything....with money as tight as it is that really fucked us! and the friends of ours that own the little bitch that attacked jake havent offered to pay any of the vet bill.... really?! thats not right.... maybe i give ppl to much credit or something... r ppl really just that rude? do i create happy ideas of ppl in my head and it really is just every man for himself in every one of lifes situations?!
my wife is tryin 2 got to see her family in illinois on friday and come home monday but we really cant afford it.... i mean really! and she is not thinking about the bills that need to be paid or anything else that we have talked about purchasing she is only thinking of going to see her family.... if i say anything to her it will become a HUGE fight and somehow i will end up the selfish one... she just started a new job and will b makin more money so eventually we should b ok but right now every dollar counts. i wish she would just realize what kind of bind this puts US in.... if she doesnt go this wked she doesnt feel she can go for at least 4-5 months and she hasnt been there since thanksgiving so yes i do want her to go but i wanna go with her too and i couldnt get the wked off.... i work retail and i work on commission so every wked counts. i just hope she has a plan to pay the bills in the next few wks b4 she gets paid..... but how do we have that conversation without gettin into a fight and hating each other?!
i am off work the next 2 days, thank you God! but i cant go see peyton bc we really cant afford to spend the gas money.... i wanna go grocery shopping bc there isnt shit here but we cant afford that either.... so i guess i will b cleaning my lil ass off and taking jake for long walks. which im not complaining about @ all cuz i need the exercise as well....
i wanna get married and we cant even do that.... she thinks we can do it for about 500 which yes we probably can but we dont have it!!! we wont have it for sometime and then it will be too late in the season again and then we cant get married outside and it will cost more.
a rock and a hard place..... i am very familiar with both places it seems.... i know it well, how do i get past it all?! have a lil faith.... be patient.... breathe... calm down.... take it day by day... dont sweat the small stuff... yeah i have heard it all


my heart hurts
my body is tired
my mind is spinning
my veins are pumping
my blood is boiling
take a breath
stay calm
i wanna feel hope
not helpless

i am a happy person, i like my job, i have great friends and family, my wife is everything to me and we have our own family now.... i just gotta stay focused.

oh high school

its been crazy around here a few days.....
so here i am catching up on glee, listening to old music from high school and wishing my wife was here. we were gonna have a nite alone after having company everynight since friday..... and she decided to go play @ a friends house. ehhhh whatever

kurt is back @ mckinley!!!!! hooray. oh as far as my listening to high school music its glees fault....they sang a TLC song! :)
high school brings back so many memories! i can laugh and i can cry all from the same photo!

cooking for fun!

ok so i got sum mojo back today and started cookin....plan was to have it done so when my wife came home we could eat, well she walks in and says oh shit.... im leaving....goin 2 a friends 2 hang out, didnt have a chance to call ya was toooooooo busy @ work. so i just maxed on sum waffles and eggs by myself thanks you very much!
now im watchin beverly hills fabulous up next glee then perhaps a lil deperate housewives oh and put away laundry of course cuz if i dont it wont happen!

road trip

well the weekend with my fav lil man had to come to an end....and the drive home was the hardest ive made yet. i didnt sleep and cried off and on @ work all day.... instead of blogging last nite i wrote my lil heart out!

first official blog

Welcome friends, i hope u enjoy the reads.... i am a writer when i have somethin 2 say! or more so this is where i can say how i feel and explain things that i cant speak.... and noone can talk back to me, argue, yell.... anyway.... thanks for letting me vent.

when my fiance and i started dating i was a divorced single straight mom and she knew that fully well. 2nite we got into a lil tiff bc she says hes not here 2 c her, hes here for me, this is true.... however she, as my fiance and partner in life should kinda take on the step mom role... or am i wrong? it does hurt me however bc she knows how much i hurt when hes not here and how i think of things we could do 2gether, going on trips, movies, etc and then when he is here shes not. 2day is easter, he was up @ 8, i was up shortly after but then dozed on the couch, she got up @ 11, we started cooking dinner, we ate 2gether... this was all b4 2pm.... then she napped til damn near 6 and when she woke up he was napping and then she wanted to go to a friends..... i was hoping that we could all do something as a family even if its watch a movie (bc my son loves tv too much, his father is a tv junkie) and well now shes gone. like i said we got into a little tiff and she wouldnt talk 2 me about it anymore bc he is here and i need to b with him and not fighting with her....well if there is tension between her and i, it makes things uncomfortable. now hes off to bed and 2mw when he gets up she will b sleeping and then its time 4 him 2 go back 2 daddys until who knows when....(his father has full custody and i work retail based on commission so taking wkeds off is pretty much nonexistant and hes in kindergarten..... so i see him once a wk there for about 4 hours and then holidays that my store is closed....how this happend u ask? bc i dont hve the money 4 an atty and his dad got it from his parents.... its a very painful topic as u can imagine!)
so is it 2 much 2 ask 4 her not 2 go anywhere while hes here without her feeling that shes being held hostage?!
i have so much emotion pouring out of me right now..... im sad, hurt, disappointed, angry, anxious, worried.... idk when she will b home if she will b home. and i know my focus should b on my lil man but its hard when my heart hurts bc of issues with her.
she says i had a shot already @ having a family like i want now, i got divorced so now im living in a dream, oh wait i think she called it a fantasy. so i push her away and make it really hard to b with..... but she knew in the beginning that he was here and she knew in the beginnin
whens the hurt goin 2 stop? when will my heart heal? i miss him so effn much while he is gone. and 2mw when i drop him off i will cry all the way home. sometimes i feel like i live 2 separate lives one as a single mom and one as a wife. idk why i cant b both? and do u know how heartbreaking it is 2 tell a 5year old that his buddy(my fiance) isnt with me to pick him up from school or she left 2 go play w her friends, or shes still in bed bc she has a headache til noon..... am i making any sense? am i crazy?