pro and cons of cutting

so i used to b a cutter and i found myself tonite with a knife in my hand and now have 13 lil cuts on my thigh.... dont judge me! please.....
it makes something else sting other than my heart and well right now that is what i need!
i guess this really isnt pro and cons its just what it is!

What if

this is as good as it gets? im 30 yrs old.... i dont want to start over again!

how am i supposed to feel

shes no longer in love with me and wants no affection between us.... also wants separate checking accounts bc i try to control the money and be too much of a "mom" to her....
shes out on the couch and i guess im takin the bed tonight. i miss her sooo much i want my wife back.... what can i do?!
we got into a HUGE fight 2 days ago and i went home to see my family and now im back but didnt even get a hug from her but our dog was excited to see me! this hurts so much....
she says she is giving me the opportunity to leave so that she can be alone.... shes too carefree for herself and maybe one day it will catch up to her, but i dont wanna go. i wanna stay and i wanna love her like i used too and i want the same back.... but it doesnt seem that things will work out like that.
she thinks we cant be happy together anymore. i must find the strength i need to get thru this. where is it?!
i have found that i am in the a similar situation.... one of the people in a relationship loves the other one more.... this time i love her more.
so i have truly had my heart yanked out, trampled on and tossed away like a dirty condom.
i need a tattoo or a piercing... something else physically painful so that this doesnt hurt as bad.

oh the life of a wedding consultant

this is not meant to be rude or be hurtful its really to help ease the stress levels you are casuing yourself as a bride....

listen to the experts!!!! buy ur dress at least a year before for the "just in cases".... they speak the truth!!!
do not keep looking after u say you love a dress!!!!! 9 out of 10 times u end up with the one you said you love! so why waste your time and mine? and everyone of your entourage.
the more ppl you bring along the more opinions you have and that is not necessarily a good thing..... the more opinions the more confused you get and the more convincing it takes for you to love your dress.
when you think u r just lookin your dress will grab you and then what?! do u have the intention to purchase or you just playing? did you think about this before you decided to start looking?
if you feel you need your mom, sister, bestie, grandma then DO NOT shop without them even if you are just looking.....if your just looking then do not try on.
if you dont intend to purchase a gown for 6 months then do not look for 6 months.... styles change and chances of the same gown you loved then still being there when u go back 2 get it in 6months are slim.
that is true for anything.... when u find the perfect flower girl dress, napkin, candleabra....GET IT NOW so that you dont have the stress of trying to find something as good and there wont be as many tears shed either.

ive been a wedding consultant almost 4 years and i have learned alot of diff things i wish i had known when i planned my first wedding.... im trying to be helpful not hateful!

im not crazy.... ppl drive me this way

ok so we are on wked like 6 in a row of my wife goin out.....she admitted last wk that she has fucked up and spent too much so then tonight i pick her up from work and she says that her new work friend wants to meet up for a few drinks and well last night when we met with him she has already planned she is going out 2mrw night as well so i said ok so u goin out 2mw night too? she says well ummm i guess i dont have too and i said well we arent trying 2 spend so much money and she says ok so whats my wked budget i said 30 and it was silent so we get home and then she accidentally texts me and says "can u spot me a few my gf is pickin up on my spending habits..... first of all.....whoops! 2nd.....gf?????? i have a name and i met him so call me by name or say fiance?! 3RDLY.....really 30 isnt enuf? so then she asked if i had the cash or if she had to get it and i said i think i do and asked if that was not enuf.....she says its whatever its doesnt matter..... ???? then i had 40 cash and she says i will bring u back the change.....see ya later i said ok i love you and she mumbled i love u too i said whats wrong she says im like a mom sometimes..... im over it but u can clearly see on her face shes not over it. fuck!!!!!!!!!
idk what im supposed to do.... i know she will get a good check in a wk but i need some things and cant go get them, i also said well if u need more money then im def not goin out this wked and shes like at all?! i said nope.
why cant we spend a wked in?! and why does she need to spend so much nmoney going out? i dont fucking get it?! am i a controlling bitch? what am i doing wrong and what can i do right?! anyone......anyone???? i try to say the right things and i come off as a mom.
she has really fucked up the last few wks and im still teh one with the headache and the upset stomach, shes out with friends having fun not giving a shit. then i asked her if she was coming home, she rolled her eyes and said YEAH..... well last sat nite she didnt and wouldnt answer her phone so why is that such a bad question?
Lord, please tell me what to do...... help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sexual healing

i have dreams about sex and its goooooooood sex but its always when im not having it! why is this? then im more conscience that its not happening.
Sometimes shes flirty... grabbing my butt and giving me them eyes but then if i try to make a move, like giving her a good kiss or kissing her neck or something then im told to calm down.... ahhhh its so frustrating sometimes!
shes now on birth control cux her periods are awful and i think its messed up her sex drive and well im a woman in her (let me clear my throat) 30s and i enjoy sex.... everyday, all day, morning, noon, night, quickies....shit i dont care! this happened in my first marriage.... is it just the way life is?!
im glad she doesnt read my blog... or know that it exists... im sure id be opening all kinds of cans of worms!
on a more positive note....although we cant afford it im going to see my lil man tomorrow and im FREAKIN stoked!!!!!!!!!! yeah me

crackin eggs

sometimes i feel like im cracking under pressure and i wanna scream...
a stupid is as a stupid does....
the big decisions that she makes always end up kicking our ass at some point.... im not by any means saying that i dont make mistakes but effffffffff she met someone the other day that made her an offer she simply couldnt resist and it was supposed to bring more cash into the house and it completely went wrong.... shes been trying to get the last of our money back from him and he keeps making bullshit excuses. she gave him our last 85bucks then we went out that night and look @ us now....id like to go swimming but dont have a suit and cant go buy one! she asked what i was making for dinner and well we have frozen pizza or chicken patties.... but i cant even eat right now my head just spinnin.
a relationship is a lot of work...... theres up and downs, good, bad....etc.....
we arent even speaking like we normally do....she feels like im talkin stupid or acting dumb or being annoying and shes mega cranky..... sometimes i dont even speak and get my head bit off....i do it too sometimes, i know....like i said i am not the poster child for perfection. when can a girl get a break?
she told me yesterday that shes not feelin me..... so im givin her space, trying to stay out of her way and keep my distance so that she will realize all that i do for her maybe then shed appreciate things a bit more but instead its"geez do we have dinner around here anymore?" and then she realized i was laying down on the brink of nap and she comes in and says babe u wanna go get a swim suit isaid yeah but i cant....it costs about 30bucks and we dont have that.... and isaid as far as dinner goes idk.... she walked out the room and told me to sleep.... then she text me to ask when she should take the dog out i said he peed about 3 so she smoked a cig and then took the dog out....i text her and  said "im cracking....im tryn real hard to keep smilin buts rough right now"..........that was 45 minutes ago and i never got a response....she now left im assuming to see if she can track down the guy with our money.......
it feels so one sided sometimes....i wish there was a fly on the wall that could hear and see everything to give me some clarity..... to put things into perspective. i wish i could feel the love right now.
she is the one for me.....i truly believe that and it warms my heart but sometimes i feel taken foregranted.....
theres nothing like walkin on egg shells everyday of your life.....ive been down this road before..... :(  i keep the faith and move forward and focus on happy things.

golf shoes

have u ever felt like u were kicked in the face with golf shoes?
"i dont do many stupid things but when i do... they real stupid"...... idk what to even say to that!

my chest is cavin
my knees are shaken
my breath is taken
my heart is achin
i feel extremely mistaken
the words you keep sayin
my mind you keep playin
the thoughts we been prayin
our love its been weighin
the darkness is grayin
the life we been livin
its hard to keep givin
i feel like im fallin