dont know what youve got til its gone

I dont understand why is she so up n down? maybe meds would b smart but how do i bring this up without a fight?!
i miss her..... i miss the woman that loves me for me, the woman i see the rest of my life with, the woman whom id give my life for...... where are you?
friday andre arrives and he asked how long we have been together? u wink @ me and say it will b 3 yrs in jan. saturday night we are eating and talking about going to toronto.... we can get married there you say oh yeah.... later that eve you tell me to meet u in the bedroom and then make out with me. sunday i got to work for an hour and u text me to ask how its going i said im on my way you say good cuz i was missing you, i get home we cuddle on the couch, lay in bed for a bit then andre is up so i get up and you go back to bed i go in a lil bit later to check on you and u say you were masterbating (well trying was the word) but u stopped cuz you had to sneeze, sunday night as we are sitting on the bed smoking i say something about joe wanting to get a piece and you say something like im sure hes not the only one and i said oh i dont even have high hopes anymore. then moments later you say well this may not b the best time but i have to tell you bc im honest with you..... i dont feel attracted to you anymore. i think youre beautiful and i love you but this is how i feel. im down and depressed about my fam and money and etc. i am still speechless......... why are u mind fucking me?! can u plz see my perspective?!
im gettin to fuckin old for this shit....
why are u so on and off?!
i cant do this..... it fucking hearts and its slowly killing me.
what if i go? what if u finally realize u fucked up? u lost the best thing that ever happend to you? you lost ur best friend, soulmate, partner? no matter how much you hurt me i never ever ever could treat you this way. to tell u one thing and do another. to love you for 5 minutes and then not wanna look at you. i am still always attracted to you, i still love you.... regardless. uncondtional love..... its all ive ever felt for you. but u keep changing your mind.
how can you love me, find me beautiful, wanna be with me but not find me attractive? too not wanna make love to me? and well i have a need that is not being met.... im not your partner to be your roomate im your partner bc i wanna be with you, i wanna have intimacy, sex, love, affection..... if you cant meet the sexual needs i have do i find someone who will?
no this is not about sex..... this is about u and my side of the story..... idk how to mask these thoughts.
i miss you and i want my woman back. my baby, my love. my heart. my life.
ive searched my whole life to find you and now youre not in it.....

i can do this

everyday its up and down.... it will be great a few days and then its like shes someone else....somewhere else.... now im gettin in the zone of shut down.... my wall keeps being built up. is this good is this bad? idk what to do anymore
i am thinking of getting the serenity prayer on my back, tattooed of course.
i repeat it everyday several times a day and im not religious at all

happy 4th

so here we are independence day 2011... it was a crazy busy wked and im BEAT! so im goin to bed early...
i have a busy week ahead as well.... worked 2day and 2mw and then my step dad anad peyton are pickin me up to bring me to sheldon and then wednesday we are going to omaha for peytons bday!!!! i cant frickin believe that he is 6 already! ahhhhh

pro and cons of cutting

so i used to b a cutter and i found myself tonite with a knife in my hand and now have 13 lil cuts on my thigh.... dont judge me! please.....
it makes something else sting other than my heart and well right now that is what i need!
i guess this really isnt pro and cons its just what it is!

What if

this is as good as it gets? im 30 yrs old.... i dont want to start over again!

how am i supposed to feel

shes no longer in love with me and wants no affection between us.... also wants separate checking accounts bc i try to control the money and be too much of a "mom" to her....
shes out on the couch and i guess im takin the bed tonight. i miss her sooo much i want my wife back.... what can i do?!
we got into a HUGE fight 2 days ago and i went home to see my family and now im back but didnt even get a hug from her but our dog was excited to see me! this hurts so much....
she says she is giving me the opportunity to leave so that she can be alone.... shes too carefree for herself and maybe one day it will catch up to her, but i dont wanna go. i wanna stay and i wanna love her like i used too and i want the same back.... but it doesnt seem that things will work out like that.
she thinks we cant be happy together anymore. i must find the strength i need to get thru this. where is it?!
i have found that i am in the a similar situation.... one of the people in a relationship loves the other one more.... this time i love her more.
so i have truly had my heart yanked out, trampled on and tossed away like a dirty condom.
i need a tattoo or a piercing... something else physically painful so that this doesnt hurt as bad.

oh the life of a wedding consultant

this is not meant to be rude or be hurtful its really to help ease the stress levels you are casuing yourself as a bride....

listen to the experts!!!! buy ur dress at least a year before for the "just in cases".... they speak the truth!!!
do not keep looking after u say you love a dress!!!!! 9 out of 10 times u end up with the one you said you love! so why waste your time and mine? and everyone of your entourage.
the more ppl you bring along the more opinions you have and that is not necessarily a good thing..... the more opinions the more confused you get and the more convincing it takes for you to love your dress.
when you think u r just lookin your dress will grab you and then what?! do u have the intention to purchase or you just playing? did you think about this before you decided to start looking?
if you feel you need your mom, sister, bestie, grandma then DO NOT shop without them even if you are just looking.....if your just looking then do not try on.
if you dont intend to purchase a gown for 6 months then do not look for 6 months.... styles change and chances of the same gown you loved then still being there when u go back 2 get it in 6months are slim.
that is true for anything.... when u find the perfect flower girl dress, napkin, candleabra....GET IT NOW so that you dont have the stress of trying to find something as good and there wont be as many tears shed either.

ive been a wedding consultant almost 4 years and i have learned alot of diff things i wish i had known when i planned my first wedding.... im trying to be helpful not hateful!